The French Way

Mathias, my roommate, came home from work a few days ago looking pretty perturbed, when I asked him what was wrong he related this story to me. He had been talking to some coworkers about his manager and the manager had caught wind of Mathias' vitriolic declarations and called him into his office. Mathias, in earnest, told him that he had indeed said all those things, and added that he thought he was a horrible manager and a fucking asshole to boot. Mathias was not fired, in fact, he will probably get more hours.

This is not the first time Mathias has been rewarded for actions that the rest of us would be canned for doing.

At his last job at a kiwi packhouse, his boss impolitely demanded that he work harder. Mathias, “who will not be treated like a dog”, responded by working at a comically slow pace. The supervisor was livid and close to firing Mathias. In front of everyone Mathias calmly explained that the employees were human beings and should be treated as such. He succeeded not only in keeping his job but also humiliating his supervisor in the process.

In Waiheke he was picking olives, which involved using a tiny plastic rake to comb the olives onto a parachute lying on the ground. Mathias likes to smoke and since the parachute is highly flammable, his boss insisted that he step away from work and smoke off to the side. The boss was not wholly pleased that Mathias took ten smoke breaks an hour, but he was not fired for it either.

Each time I express my utter surprise at his shenanigans he gives me a wink and a smile and says, “it's the French way”.

Nouvelle Zélande

On Sunday we agreed to move into a flat a stone's throw from Welly Stadium for a few weeks with some friendly French boys we met along our travels. It's a nice reprieve from the chaotic and sometimes hostile hostel environment, it's also cheaper, which is sweet. However, instead of the multi-lingual chorus I hear in hostels, my life has become inundated with incomprehensible French chatter, music, movies and jokes.

Fortunately, I do not need a dictionary to translate the language of gastronomy.

It is Katie and I and four Frogs, three of whom are chefs and the other always manages to bring home delicious food from the boutique hotel in which he works. Additionally, anything I cook, “is not the French taste”, thus absolving me of future culinary duties.

If you will notice in the photo above there are shuttered windows in all of the bedrooms thus negating one of the principle function of walls- to provide privacy and muffle sounds. “fucking stupid Kiwi architects”, is often muttered around our flat. Tip toes and tiny flashlights become essential during the night, so as not to disturb anyone sleeping.

Tangaroa God of the Sea

dir. Carey Carter feat. Tiki Taane 2008

This music video was screened at the Matariki Traveling Film Programme at Te Papa on July 2nd, 2009. Thankfully, someone posted it on youtube. It kicks ass

Comfy, Cosy and Almost Dead Broke in Wellywood

Before arriving in Wellington, I had often heard it described as the San Francisco of New Zealand, so I was pretty keen on spending the winter here, wrapped up in Welly's whirlwind of city streets, darting back and forth between pubs, theatres, museums and cafes. Coincidentally, this was also the first time on our trip that I had dared imagine our future, sprinkling my naïve Mary Tyler Moore hopes over this condensed seaside town. Obviously, I'm employing the use of foreshadow to transition into our acute feelings of rejection and disappointment.

To begin with I was possessed by a thoroughly evil strain of strep, that left me feverish, pained and laid out for nearly a week. After having recovered completely, I set my sights on finding gainful employment. I like to think I handle rejection well, I just think back to my arduous three month job search last year in New York City, smoking over a pack a day in a small, stuffy apartment, waiting to hear back from the innumerable jobs that overwhelmingly never sent a response. The first week wasn't so bad, I bravely handed over dozens of my embellished CV with a smile, but as time went on the phone remained silent and I began to get a bit despondent.

I went with a multi-tiered strategy for the job search, start with ideal jobs (sassy bartender, sexy bookseller, adorable barista etc.) and work my way down. I lament, that if things don't turn around quickly, I will have to swallow this pride of mine, walk into McDonald's (Macker's as they lovingly refer to it here) and acquiesce to working in a place I normally avoid like the plague.

In effect, I don't much feel like expounding on the wonderful things we have done here and although I am trying to remain “Absolutely Positively Wellington”, I feel that in any relationship there must be a give and take. I'm trying to love you Wellington, why are you making it so hard?

However, I would be remiss if I didn't offer thanks to Te Papa for quality free entertainment, Border's Books for giving me 15 hours a week and Mon Ami for their complimentary internet and delicious coffee. Cheers!

Dexter O Dexter

Shivers ran down my spine, my body tensed and I was probably blushing, the cacophonous bar was suddenly silenced, its music faded to muddled, muffled tones, patrons laid their glasses to rest, the lights seemed to dim as the mounted televisions in their brightly glowing glory bathed the faces of the masses in swathes of red as Dexter triumphantly filled the screen, fantastically naughty, fearsome Dexter Morgan has finally arrived in New Zealand.
For months I have been enduring wretched and extremely outdated American shows, now I can confidently say that my suffering is not in vain. Seriously, they just aired Rock of Love 2 and I Love New York 2, they regularly show The Big Bang Theory and the long since cancelled game show, Identity...please someone shoot me. New Zealand's underwhelming four channels are usually showing endless games of Cricket or some such and such Rugby tournament but during the brief intervals between sporting sessions they love to put on the worst of the worst in American television and it makes me want to cry. But alas there is hope down that long cathode ray tube of darkness and its name is Dexter

And it's absolutely true what they say, he DOES put the laughter in slaughter AND the fun in funeral.
Power saw to the people!

Outrageous Fortune Drinking Game

Guaranteed to get ya drunk




1 swig every time Pascalle makes her sad wounded deer face

1 swig every time the camera gratuitously focuses on Cheree's gigantic, often oiled, tits

2 swigs every time Cheryl and Wayne engage in a lover's quarrel

3 swigs every time Loretta screams at someone, take an extra one if she also angrily closes her laptop

Go drink for drink with grandpa (every time he drinks, you drink)

1 shot every time Munter and Van light up

This game is only intended for serious drinkers and not recommended for those with a tendency to vomit, pass out or cry after recklessly binge drinking

Kiwi As, Bro

My favorite Kiwi expressions, I'm sure a few are heavily influenced by the British, but never having been outside of Heathrow, I will happily (and ignorantly) give all the credit to the Kiwis

Sweet as
Example: Bro, wearing really short shorts and gumboots is sweet as.

Heaps
Example: Nah, I don't have any booze, but I have heaps of weed.

Keen
Example: I'm keen to spend the entire night recklessly drinking.

Good on ya
Example: You kicked that bratty kid in the face, good on ya.

Kia ora bro (Maori)
Example: Kia ora bro, what the hell have you been up to?

Ka kite ano (Maori)
Example: I hope to see you again soon, ka kite ano.

No worries, mate
Example: No worries mate. I never much cared for that crap car anyway.

Muntered
Example: Oh man, last night I was so fucking muntered I totally forgot I gave that creepy dude my number

Sweet fuck all
Example: I have a university degree and sweet fuck all to show for it

Stink
Example: That new Terminator with Christian Bale is a stink movie, eh?

Eh
Example: The east coast is awesome, eh?
Note: declarative statements are not favored by the Kiwis, instead they choose to disguise their opinions as questions, or throw in the “eh” to voice support for whatever you may have just said.