New Zealand Enrichment Initiative- SCINZ

I have been a tourist in New Zealand for eleven months now and my patience is well past the point of wearing thin and now baring my unadulterated scorn at the attractions this country has to offer. Each city comes equipped with the tourist trifecta- a church, a museum and a garden...boooooring. Every beach, every mountain and almost every river is stunning and pristine. Each area specializes in a new way to hurt, maim or otherwise kill yourself all cleverly disguised as “adventure sports”. Seriously, it gets tedious. As part of my illustrious and brilliant scheme to improve the piteous state of tourism in New Zealand I propose a series of enrichment initiatives that is guaranteed to kick start New Zealand's languid industry.

SCINZ or Seal Clubbing Institute of New Zealand will be a place to observe and appreciate the delicate poetry of the natural world and then beat the living out of it. For a humble price, you will be equipped with your own club (that's yours to keep!), from there the adventure is yours to create.

The little buggers have taken over the beaches and are begging in that shockingly obnoxious screechy yelp of theirs to be taken down. Like the seagulls we all hate, the seals have become a beach side pest that we can no longer afford to ignore.

If this seems a bit cruel or unwarranted, shall I remind thee that seal clubbing is a time honored tradition the world over. It's perfectly natural and perfectly ethical. Once you get the swing (!) of it they won't even know what hit them...but you will!

Still unsure about how you feel? Here's some reassurance directly from the mouths of our celebrity sponsors.

“If you don't got ends you won't be hittin' no SCINZ” - Big L

“I'm hitting SCINZ again [in New Zealand], rolled up another blunt, bought a Heineken”-Notorious BIG

“I hit those SCINZ for the hell of it, just for the yell I get, ooh ooh ooh for the smell of it”- That guy in Salt and Pepa's Shoop

Can you morally afford to see another seal end up like this?


The other enrichment initiatives have to do with a proper taco stand and helping the good people of New Zealand learn how to make a goddamn ice coffee.